“You know you are in trouble when your rabbit hole goes no deeper than a Gucci bag and a pair of Louboutins”- Laughter is a Smile Set to Music.

Growing up we ate Napoleon ice cream, didn’t want to get ammonia and enjoyed French benefits. Eventually we learned that we were eating Neapolitan ice cream and people died of pneumonia but let’s stop right there. Fringe benefits, really. Everybody knows that some really good stuff comes out of France. French fries, French toast…French kisses. Yes! French benefits it is, provided you maintain the innocence of the term.

The other day I met a young lady who tried to sell me a used Ferragamo purse. I told her that I had more bags than I needed already. I explained  that most of them were gifts. At that time she asked me how did you get men to give you those bags. I explained to her that they were men who liked to shop. That is who they were when I met them. I didn’t get them to do anything. Given the nature of  the meeting. I quickly changed the subject to the matter at hand but the topic haunted me for days to come. I couldn’t shake the image of so many women I knew allowing material gifts to shape and define their relationships with men. I reflected on my running buddy in college. We both enjoyed the company of smart progressive men. I also remember her teaching me about the value and prestige of the Louis Vuitton purse. One day we visited the home of an ex boyfriend of hers. It was clear that for him, the thrill was gone. Later that week she showed up at my door at 2am teary eyed because he was going to marry someone else. In the midst of our commiseration she said, “Well at least I got the Louis bag out of the deal” I examined the bag and let me tell you what, it looked like she had been sleeping with the bag. She began to teach me about the prestige  of the $500 purse and the guarantee that came with it. I wasn’t really understanding nor did I really care about the purse as much as I was concerned about her broken heart. During the term of our relationship she schooled me about getting what you want out of men. The difference between the two of us is that men often described her as being “Pretty as a day is long”. This is not how a man had ever described me. (And I’ve never been paid in gum either.) She often reminded me that I did not deserve to date the men I dated because of my looks. Interestingly enough she often wanted to date the men who I dated, and did, but I digress. Strangely enough I never forgot what she taught me about  Louis Vuitton.

The more I thought about the brief conversation I had with the young lady I wondered if I was really hip to the relationship/dating game. The men I have dated range from carpenter to doctor. Surprisingly the two with the greatest income I initially had no attraction to or interest in at all. It was not until we had an opportunity to “conversate” did I realize that we shared several things in common, and there was enough contrast to keep it interesting. In retrospect I never met someone wondering what he was going to buy for me. I was always looking for the mental, spiritual and I ain’t gon lie, physical, attraction and connection. I spend my time wondering if he would go to church with me. Am I the type of woman he would introduce to his mother? Can I talk to him about ANYTHING. Are our rainbows in the same direction? Will he  encourage and support me when the chips are down? And would I do the same for him on all counts. Recently I read a book entitled The Conversation. In the book Hill Harper discusses meeting a woman who he later falls in love with. However, his initial response to the womans interest was “What does she want from me?” I appreciated his vulnerability in sharing his insecurities when meeting a smart beautiful woman. I kept asking myself “What do you mean, what does she want from you?” On many occasions I have had to come to terms with my naive nature.  Friends have had to pull my coat-tail and let me know what a person’s intentions really were. To date the signs really have to be overt for me to suspect any malicious intent because I don’t go into relationships looking for it. Otherwise why even bother being around people.  I have to remind myself daily that people are not going to do things the way I would do them. (I know it sounds really silly. It is true but silly nonetheless)

When I look back on my past relationships I am thinking about the times we laughed, places we went, the dreams we shared, and the lessons I learned. When I look at those material gifts it triggers those memories and that is what lifts me. The gifts bring me little to no comfort in their absence. Don’t get me wrong the French benefits are nice, but a relationship they do not make. Anytime you go into a relationship thinking more about what you are going to get than give, the trip is always going to be a bust. Material gifts are not an indication of how long your relationship will last or the degree of a persons affection for you. For arguments sake lets say that he loses all of his material possessions for whatever reason. Setting aside domestic violence or other deal breaker problems, would you leave this person you professed to love? Whatever was lost you can rebuild together. What you want is inside of him. Everything else is just a “French Benefit”. He is not “in the bag”. As a matter of fact there is nothing in the bag other than what you put in it.

I recently spent time with an old friend. I told them how I really enjoyed the French benefits but it was them who really mattered rich or poor. And we immediately started word battling and grinning at each other improving the rhyme each go round just like old times. I told another friend about my old friend and how it is important to let a person know how you feel like I told my friend what mattered to me. My friend said…”Don’t you think he already knows that about you?”